How to Master the Art of Saying No

I bet that grabbed your attention! How do you master the art of saying no? And why would it even be something to consider? Today that is exactly what we are going to explore as we continue our journey to craft your dream life.

Master the Art of Saying No – Why?

I have learned that saying no is a skill many of us never develop in our lives. Instead of learning when to say yes and when to say no, we always say yes. It could be for many reasons. You don’t want to let people down, you feel guilty saying no. If you don’t do it, who will? The reasons to avoid saying no are endless it seems.

However, when you say yes to others all the time, you automatically are saying no to something else. I will say that again. When you say yes to everything, you are automatically saying no to something else.

You may not realize it at the time, but the stress and anxiety around fulfilling the commitments you have made are one of the easiest ways to show that you are saying yes to too many things.

That is why you need to master the art of saying no. Without making strides in learning to say no, you will not be able to reach all of those goals that you have for yourself. The someday/maybe list of ideas you want to focus on. Why? Because you are constantly working on other people’s goals.

Is that too harsh?

Sometimes it can seem harsh. You want to do what is right and you want to be helpful. I totally understand that. However, when you look at all of your yeses, you have to balance that with also looking at what you are saying no to – whether deliberately, or by default because there is no more room in your life.

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How do you Master the Art of Saying No?

One of the easiest ways to master the art of saying no is to understand your priorities. When you have your priorities in order, it is easier to look at the ask and say whether or not it is a yes or a no for you. What are your priorities? If you did the vision board exercise that is a visual representation of your priorities right there. When someone asks you to do something, would it be an image you would want to include on your vision board? If the answer is “no, it would not,” then your answer should be no.

I think that we have become a society who is afraid to say no because you don’t want to hurt someone else. But, in not hurting someone else, you are instead hurting yourself.

Does this mean that every time there is something you want to say no to, you can say no? Unfortunately, the answer to that is also no! There are times that you have to do things just because. But, those are not the decisions I am talking about.

Beyond understanding what your priorities are, what your life direction is, you can just say no. No is a complete sentence, and it isn’t necessary to explain yourself. You do not need to justify why you are saying no, you can just say no. Of course in order to master the art of saying no without justification will take a bit more practice and probably a lot of journaling to deal with your feelings related to saying no.

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Yes & No List

I have talked at length over the years about creating a yes and no list and why that is important. But, I am going to reiterate it here because it is such a useful tool in order to master the art of saying no. When you create a yes and no list, you are making decisions ahead of time. You are telling yourself ahead of time what you are willing to say yes to, and what you are willing to say no to.

This allows you, in the moment, to make a decision without having to spend too much time considering. Remember, part of crafting our dream life is to not hold all of those thoughts in our heads. When we hold too many thoughts in our heads, we aren’t able to make progress because we are constantly thinking instead of doing. So, with your yes and no list made, you are able to remember why you created the list, why you made the decision to say yes or no to certain things. It helps reduce decision fatigue and gives you an easy out when you are asked.

Master the Art of Saying No because I don’t feel like it?

I feel like I need to put a caveat into this post. There are some things that you have to say yes to, even if you don’t feel like it. You still have to cloth and feed your family and take care of your home. You still need to educate your kids and pay your bills. Saying no doesn’t apply in every situation just because we don’t feel like it.

However, if you don’t feel like driving your child to sports practices four days per week, or you want to stop going to co-op because it is taking away time from the other subjects you value teaching at home, that is OK. You do not have to serve in the children’s ministry just because you are a mom with young kids. Saying no to a committee that meets in the evening when you know you have no energy left to give is OK.

Yes, there are some things in life we just have to do. But, most of us understand that. I am talking about everything else. Remember we each have 168 hours each week to do with as we choose. And the key there is “as we choose.” Even when you think you aren’t making a decision about something, you are. Either actively or passively.

You want to be making active decisions about your life. That is how you master the art of saying no – by creating the parameters within which you want to work. When you understand the direction you want to go, and the steps necessary to get there, it will be easier to say no. Recognize what your priorities are, and try to make some of the decisions ahead of time.

The Bottom Line

The biggest hurdle in saying no is guilt. But, why are you feeling that guilt? And do you feel guilty when you say no to things you are really passionate about because you have said yes to something that you didn’t want to say yes to? We often can become martyrs, telling ourselves that we are sacrificing in order to help others. But, does that actually help someone else? If, in fact, you are actually resentful of doing the thing you have said yes to?

It takes a long time to feel OK with saying no. It is always easier to deal with your own discomfort than someone else’s. However, I would definitely tell you to consider whether or not saying no to someone else would be as much of a hardship as you assume. Also, if you are saying yes to something you don’t want to do, you are taking away the opportunity from someone who may really want to do that thing – that is something to keep in mind.

It isn’t selfish to say no to someone. But, it can be selfish to think that if you don’t say yes to someone they are going to fail at whatever that thing is.

Do you struggle with saying no? Have you ever made a yes and no list to help you make decisions in the moment without actually having to think about it?